I still can't believe it has been so long already since I met you. Can you believe that it feels like yesterday? My only reaction then was, 'I want a boss like that, too.' Because I was impressed by your poise, and the fact that you knew how to dress. Your clothes were nothing but business, and you looked your best wearing them. But that was it. For then.
A few months later my life changed. More than I had ever expected...
Good? Yes! Because you opened my heart more than any other man before. Because you had shown me that you can adore a person from the bottom of your heart and soul. That someone can actually become your life, your world. Did I love you? Yes! More than I had ever thought I could. I loved your smile, your laugh, your voice, the winks you used to give me. I loved the fact that you used to follow your wishes, your desires, everything which made you happier. Do I really need to continue? I just loved everything about you. Yes, everything. Even the fact that you were a smoker didn't bother me. Because I loved you. And it was your choice. You're an adult... Just... everything...
Bad? Yes! Because you took all of the above and used it against me. In almost every possible way. You made me trust you. You got me a job. And for the first time in my life, I actually was naive enough to think that maybe you saw potential in me even if you didn't know me yet. Instead, I was just an opportunity for you to gain more. More of what is what you yourself know. And, yes, I know it, too. Although you might have thought otherwise. Somewhere deep down I knew. But I refused to believe it.
But...
I can't say I haven't learned anything from this... experience (if I can call it that). I have learned A LOT. Mostly about me. About my strength, my character, what I can do. I don't hate you if that's what you think. I have gone through many stages of recuperation. Deep pain due to disappointment and insult, fear (I still don't quite understand this stage), apathy (because I needed to let go, to not think about you, to not connect you to everything that had been going on in my life; all of that hurt too much), anger and even rage at times, then a different kind of apathy where I simply chose (because this time I could and I had the strength to do it) not to care.
The latter brought me to where I am today. I don't worry about you anymore. Because my heart finally understands that you don't care, that you are not the person I had thought you were.
But you know what? It doesn't hurt anymore that you don't care or that you don't love me. What does hurt at least a bit every once in a while is that you are NOT the person I had actually loved and who I, yes, I think I can admit that, still love in my own way. I fell in love with a wonderful man, a great person with the purest heart, with the desire to accomplish something, and with the best intentions possible. A fairytale, you might think? Yes, because that person isn't you. No matter how much I would want you to be. And when I feel like daydreaming about my life and my future, I live in that dream. I dream that you actually are that person and I dream of so many things we could have been and could have done if that were the case. And sometimes, just sometimes, it stings a bit that we could have been all that if only...
I hope life treats you well. Actually I don't have any doubt that it does. I just hope that some day you get to realize that what you did was wrong. If nothing else, that you were truly loved by a woman who used to worship the ground you walked on in the purest way possible. You were loved no matter what. And somewhere, maybe in a parallel dimension, there are you and I who made the right choice, who make a wonderful, perfect item, and love each other just for who they are.
And that is the dream I am silently holding on to while I am slowly coming to the last page of this workbook. A workbook with lessons on you being my destiny, then my drug and poison, and lastly my 101st lesson, ...
