I still can't believe it has been so long already since I met you. Can you believe that it feels like yesterday? My only reaction then was, 'I want a boss like that, too.' Because I was impressed by your poise, and the fact that you knew how to dress. Your clothes were nothing but business, and you looked your best wearing them. But that was it. For then.
A few months later my life changed. More than I had ever expected...
Good? Yes! Because you opened my heart more than any other man before. Because you had shown me that you can adore a person from the bottom of your heart and soul. That someone can actually become your life, your world. Did I love you? Yes! More than I had ever thought I could. I loved your smile, your laugh, your voice, the winks you used to give me. I loved the fact that you used to follow your wishes, your desires, everything which made you happier. Do I really need to continue? I just loved everything about you. Yes, everything. Even the fact that you were a smoker didn't bother me. Because I loved you. And it was your choice. You're an adult... Just... everything...
Bad? Yes! Because you took all of the above and used it against me. In almost every possible way. You made me trust you. You got me a job. And for the first time in my life, I actually was naive enough to think that maybe you saw potential in me even if you didn't know me yet. Instead, I was just an opportunity for you to gain more. More of what is what you yourself know. And, yes, I know it, too. Although you might have thought otherwise. Somewhere deep down I knew. But I refused to believe it.
I can't say I haven't learned anything from this... experience (if I can call it that). I have learned A LOT. Mostly about me. About my strength, my character, what I can do. I don't hate you if that's what you think. I have gone through many stages of recuperation. Deep pain due to disappointment and insult, fear (I still don't quite understand this stage), apathy (because I needed to let go, to not think about you, to not connect you to everything that had been going on in my life; all of that hurt too much), anger and even rage at times, then a different kind of apathy where I simply chose (because this time I could and I had the strength to do it) not to care.
The latter brought me to where I am today. I don't worry about you anymore. Because my heart finally understands that you don't care, that you are not the person I had thought you were.
But you know what? It doesn't hurt anymore that you don't care or that you don't love me. What does hurt at least a bit every once in a while is that you are NOT the person I had actually loved and who I, yes, I think I can admit that, still love in my own way. I fell in love with a wonderful man, a great person with the purest heart, with the desire to accomplish something, and with the best intentions possible. A fairytale, you might think? Yes, because that person isn't you. No matter how much I would want you to be. And when I feel like daydreaming about my life and my future, I live in that dream. I dream that you actually are that person and I dream of so many things we could have been and could have done if that were the case. And sometimes, just sometimes, it stings a bit that we could have been all that if only...
I hope life treats you well. Actually I don't have any doubt that it does. I just hope that some day you get to realize that what you did was wrong. If nothing else, that you were truly loved by a woman who used to worship the ground you walked on in the purest way possible. You were loved no matter what. And somewhere, maybe in a parallel dimension, there are you and I who made the right choice, who make a wonderful, perfect item, and love each other just for who they are.
And that is the dream I am silently holding on to while I am slowly coming to the last page of this workbook. A workbook with lessons on you being my destiny, then my drug and poison, and lastly my 101st lesson, ...
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
“A., are you sure that J. didn't get married that year? When she graduated? ... Or in the meantime, until now...?” S. appeared behind A.’s back out of nowhere. A. didn’t even know he was already back from visiting one of his business partners.
“What? No. Why?”
“Well, she’s sick, her balance is weak, and she’s lacking strength every once in a while (too often, though)… It’s just that… Well, it sounds like pregnancy.”
“What is this all of a sudden? These questions just don’t stop. Since when do you even care? You didn’t before. Why know? What’s different?”
This time S. just couldn’t keep quiet. Something inside him broke. He was just too worried after he had seen J. pass out in the middle of the store. The girls managed to wake her up, and she seemed ok afterwards, before she left. But he remembered all of those comments she had had on her Twitter profile. She felt sick or dizzy or she couldn’t keep awake for no apparent reason. That just wasn’t her. And after all this time, even if he hadn’t said anything to her, even if they didn’t stay in contact, or they didn’t even speak when they saw each other, no matter what anyone else thought, he had never stopped loving her. Even when he saw a ring on her finger soon after she had graduated, and it broke his heart because he though he had lost her to another man who was more persistent and had more courage to love her. Now, he just couldn’t stand people accusing him that he just didn’t care. Not having her love anymore was more than enough without that.
“I've always cared. The only thing that's different is that I didn't say anything before, and now I am.”
After everything A. had heard and seen, she just couldn’t believe her ears.
“Who are you kidding? Why are trying to mess with her head? Do you have any idea how hurt she was about this? And you used her? You think she doesn’t know that? Just because she hasn’t said or done anything in this time, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know what happened.”
“I…” S. tried to defend himself with all the strength in his body and character he possessed, but A. wouldn’t let him.
“YOU wanted her out of your life! YOU PUSHED her out! That’s the decision YOU took. Live with it!”
This comment bothered him even more. His body started to tremble, there was fear inside of him he had never experienced before. He felt like a child again, and at the same time he felt he had to prove somehow that they had all been wrong about him, about his intentions, about what he really wanted. He couldn’t hide his truth anymore. What he had done was wrong. He never had the courage to express his feelings before because of that. But now he just couldn’t keep it to himself anymore. On the outside he seemed calm. On the inside, however, he was going crazy. The truth had to be told because it burnt him straight to the core.
“I LOVE J.! Is that what you wanted to hear? I always have! From the first day I met her! And, yes, I know it wasn’t just before the summer. I first met her somewhere in April when we were still in the old part of this company or store or… whatever… That’s why I didn’t participate in the conversation as much. That’s why I just left soon afterwards. Because she already amazed me right then, right there. And that has never stopped. Ever! The love has just grown. With everything she has ever said, done. With just being her.”
“What is this? A., I need you about something.” J. just entered the rear part of the store and happened to hear the last speech S. had. A. turned around, saw J., and responded with relief, “J.! Great! You two need to talk.”
“No, I need to talk to YOU about something. And it doesn’t have anything to do with him.”
“No, YOU TWO need to talk,” and she left.
“J., I…” Full of fear, but at the same time full of what he had always felt and had always been so strong S. wanted to explain himself, something that should have been done so many years ago, but hadn’t been.
“No… Don’t even think about repeating what you have just said.” All of a sudden J. felt one of the strongest forms of fear she had ever felt in her life. So many years ago she had wanted to talk to him about the entire situation because there were so many things left unsaid and so many of them needed to be explained. Years then went by and she accepted the fact that something like that would never happen. She simply believed that maybe, just maybe, this was best for everyone. That maybe this was how things should be. After all these years then she didn’t feel anything for him anyway. He was part of her past. That past which should stay in the past. Now, all of a sudden, she didn’t trust herself anymore as far as he was concerned. The man standing in front of her wanted to talk, and a few minutes ago he had said all of those words she had always craved for so much but had never been spoken before. The man she had loved and adored so much was looking her straight into her eyes with the love in his eyes she had never seen before. Where was the indifference she had for him just moments before? Something she thought she had finally left behind was boiling over inside her chest. With no warning. The girls had said he wasn’t in. That he had left to see one of his business partners, and that he was not expected to return soon because they had a lot to deal with. Why was he here? Why was SHE here? She knew she should have stopped coming to this store for good. This was bound to happen, and it really shouldn’t have. ‘Don’t trust him. You know that everything coming out of his mouth has been nothing but lies. Lethal lies which hurt you. The kind which took way too much energy every single time. Don’t! Stop!’ were the thoughts going through her head. She couldn’t help but forming plans how to escape and consequently stop him from saying anything more than that.
“J. …” S. nonetheless tried to make her listen. This was the chance for him to finally tell the real story. And to ask for forgiveness for using her. For even thinking about doing something like that. The only thing he had on his mind at that point is that he needed her to listen, to understand, and maybe forgive. He needed her to believe him that he was sorry.
“No! I’m not trying to be mean or to hurt you or anything like that. But you decided to not have me in your life. And as difficult as it had been for me, God knows I had tried to change that, I let go of that. Because it hurt too much, and dealing with it took too much energy, even physical. But I let go. Because you forced me to. Don’t even TRY to do anything else to make me believe that you think otherwise NOW.”
“Now and always. Nothing has changed, J., I have always wanted you in my life. But I knew I had made a mistake, and that’s why I didn’t know what to say to make things better… You do believe me, don’t you?”
“Seriously, after everything that had happened, and after all the ignorance I have gotten from you, even until this day, you expect me to believe anything you have to say? How do you expect me to do that? I trusted you back then. Because YOU made me believe I COULD. That you were trustworthy. That nothing would go wrong, and if it would, that you would make things better. But you never did. It was just like I had done something wrong, and I knew I hadn’t. You had no right to judge me! Or to use me for that matter.”
“I didn’t judge you. I swear I didn’t. …”
“Could you two, please, keep it down? Or go to your office, S. Everything can be heard in the store, and, yes, everyone there is listening.” A. came back to stop them from being so loud. Trying to prove their own points and deal with their own fears the best way they could, S. and J. never noticed that their voices were becoming louder and louder. Hearing that, S. grabbed J. by her hand and pulled her to the store which was full of customers at that point.
“Hello, everyone. I know that you probably heard the main part of our conversation. I’m not going to apologize for that if that’s ok with you. I’ve got nothing to hide. You see, this is the woman I met four years ago. In April – yes, J., I do remember that was our first day.”
Every person in the store stopped what they were doing, and they just couldn’t stop listening to what the manager of the store they were at that point in had to say. S. continued because for the first time after a really long time he was calm. This just simply felt right.
“I was extremely amazed by everything she represented. That was something new for me. I had never, or now in the mean time, felt something like that. Day by day, month by month, and year by year, she has been turning into the woman of my dreams… the love of my life. Yes, I know I made a terrible mistake right that year which hurt her tremendously, humiliated her, made her disappointed about me, consequently made her stop trusting me. That is something I will NEVER stop regretting. But one thing is true and will always be! I have loved her from the bottom of my heart, from the bottom of my soul. She is my everything and will be ‘till the day I die. No matter what happens, she has my heart, and quite honestly I don’t even want it back. Because I know that it’s in good hands. I know that what I did was wrong, so wrong, and I understand that she cannot believe anything I say. I just hope that some day her heart will allow her to believe that she is my whole life, and that no woman will ever replace her in my heart.”
S. felt completely calm, fulfilled, and yet somewhat sad. He knew that what he did was right. It might not change things between the two of them, but at least she knew how he felt. His secret was out. She heard it, and what had until then represented his life – his workplace –, they all heard what his heart had to say. Everyone would soon know. But that was ok. He wanted everyone to know that the love the manager of this store felt for her was probably the purest thing in him. Then he looked deeply into her eyes which were already watering more than J. wanted.
“I know that considering everything you probably perceive me as a monster, as someone who could do nothing more but hurt you with everything I do. But you see, all in all, Julia Roberts in Notting Hill said it best. Truthfully, I’m just a man… standing in front a woman… asking her to love him. Because this man… will always love the woman standing right in front of me.”
With the feeling of loss, but also the feeling of finally doing something right, S. turned around and walked away. The office at that point seemed like the right shelter.
The store was quiet. It was still full of people, but none of them knew what to say. They had never seen something like that happen in reality, even less right in front of them. This was something people usually saw in movies, soap operas, not real life. J. was stiff. Her heart was racing, her chest was full of something really good, but what bothered her was the battle which was taking place between her heart and her mind. The first was telling her to let go, to love him, to run to him. The latter, however, was warning her about situations like that. She knew that she had gotten her hopes up so many times before, and she always ended up getting severely hurt.
The office seemed so empty that day. The door behind S. closed, and it seemed as if with that he left that world right there, outside. No matter what he would do, it would not come back. He locked himself out. And J. stayed there. He would never see her again. Stupid door, you locked me out. You separated me from her. He could no longer restrain himself; the tears began to fall, and they hurt. They burnt his cheeks.
“How can I know that you’re telling the truth this time? How can I know that this isn’t just another case of me wanting to give a chance, and then ending up getting stabbed straight through my heart because for whatever reason you choose not to know me anymore again?”
S. thought he was dreaming. After hearing a familiar voice, the only one which meant the world to him, he turned around, and saw J. standing in his office. She was different this time. S. didn’t feel the resistance he had felt the years before that. She was like the light at the end of the tunnel he had been in since he came back to the office, and that period felt so long. He felt something which was foreign to him these past few years – he felt hope. It was getting stronger and stronger with every minute that went by.
“You want to give this a chance? Still?” S. couldn’t believe his ears, but he didn’t want to miss the opportunity.
“That’s what I’m asking YOU. Because I… I don’t know if I could survive another disappointment…”
S. carefully stepped closer to J., held her hand, and pressed it to his chest. “Do you feel this? I haven’t felt my heart race this much for ages. And if there is anything I have learnt from this with you is that the heart never lies. Even if you would want it to sometimes. I don’t know what to do or say to make you believe me that what I feel is probably the most honest fact in my entire life. Don’t get me wrong… I understand that you being skeptic after everything is more than expected. But I soooo wish you would believe my feelings... I have had many wishes in my life. The biggest one I have right now is for you to give me a chance. If you can… I promise I will do whatever… Just… Let’s give us a chance! I know we could be so great!”
J. was confronted with one of the biggest dilemmas in her life. On one hand, she still remembered how she had felt every single time she got disappointed because of him, and how much it hurt in the end. He had been her worst addiction. On the other hand, she knew that she had never felt like this before and that after this she would probably always wonder what it would have been like if she wouldn’t take a chance with someone she adored. Yes, she knew there was no doubt about that; she was still crazy about him. It wasn’t just her heart this time, even her mind was starting to believe his words.
S. jumped in, not wanting to lose the opportunity, “I’m scared, too… Terrified… But maybe that’s a good thing. Because we will try more just because of that. … I know that you are holding on right now. AND that you’re scared. And that you want to bail. I admit, it would be the easiest way. But… don’t let go. Please… I promise you can lean on me about anything. Whenever you’ll be scared, I’m here to hold you… Whenever you are discouraged about something, I promise I am always here to cheer you on… J., I’m here… I’m always here… For good! Forever! I’m your biggest rock just by having you here right next to me. That’s all the strength I need.”
J. was still trying to run away, but his words, the hope she could see in his eyes, and for the first time the honesty those eyes reflected were suddenly offering her this safe, familiar place she had always been looking for. Slowly, carefully, but with the biggest desire in his life, S. held J.’s face, still not fully believing he had her centimeters away from him, and gently, but passionately kissed her. It was as if he received power, strength, happiness, and everything else positive. But mostly, it felt right, and it filled his heart with the strongest happiness which had ever existed. He never wanted the kiss to end. He had her heart; damaged, fragile, but prepared to fix it the best way possible. He would never again let anything hurt it. She was crying, and he wasn’t doing any better. But that was ok. Because those were the tears of the biggest joy. Kissing and holding her were his newest missions in life. Everything was ok now; everything was perfect.